Hope you all had a happy, transformative holiday. I  spent Wednesday transforming apples, pumpkin, pecans, sugar, milk, lard and flour into pies, then spent most of the day on Thursday transforming pie into a fluffy layer of extra pudge around my middle. Busy days!

Today’s post is an homage to structures, signs and statues heralding the availability of a quick bite. And though this blog is usually about warning signs of impending doom, I argue that these items, if we’d read them properly, foretold the exponential growth of the US GNP (Gross National Portliness)  These sirens on the freeways, these perpetual ringers of the dinner bell called America to supper and we came at a run, a run that ultimately slowed to a gasp-y waddle.

McDonald’s Original Stands

Back in the day, the golden arches curving majestically over the establishment represented french fries, and the cost per burger was 15 cents. Take two, they’re cheap! Historic side note: Where were you when JFK was shot? I think I have the most American of answers, I was five and sitting in the backseat of a Country Squire station wagon in a McDonald’s parking lot eating fries. A woman pounded on the car window, Margie (my mother’s friend) said: “Don’t open the window, she’s insane!” The woman shrieked: “Turn on your radio!” and ran away, arms waving wildly above her head. The MOST Catholic answer to Where were you when JFK was shot? belongs to my siblings who reported that a nun burst into the classroom with the alarming news that our only papist president was dead, everybody went to mass.

Barbeque advertising most commonly featured a pig. Often dressed as the chef (toque, apron, no pants), this pig cheerfully promoted the consumption of his fellow pigs and, bizarrely even sometimes himself. I once saw a sign where a smiling pig, fork clenched in his cloven hoof, was reaching around to nab a forkful of his own delicious ham. Alas I did not capture that cannibalistic image, but offer up instead, Stumpy Pete.

Indeed Stumpy Pete is enthusiastically proffering a ham upon a platter which, since he is standing on a peg leg in lieu of his pig leg, we can be confident was locally sourced. Appropriately, the text at the bottom of the sign reads: If you dig on swine, try some of mine!

But the real hero’s of the highway dining scene where the colossal fiberglass figures used to attract diners from the speedway.

The ubiquitous partially clad pig:

A scary 20 foot woman and her depressed child hawking pies:

A giant dog head promoting the Doggie Diner:

Fran, the guitar playing waitress from Austin:

And hometown hero, BIG BOY:

Nice hair.

Until next week!

CJ