Calamity Jane

Hope you all had a happy, transformative holiday. I  spent Wednesday transforming apples, pumpkin, pecans, sugar, milk, lard and flour into pies, then spent most of the day on Thursday transforming pie into a fluffy layer of extra pudge around my middle. Busy days!

Today’s post is an homage to structures, signs and statues heralding the availability of a quick bite. And though this blog is usually about warning signs of impending doom, I argue that these items, if we’d read them properly, foretold the exponential growth of the US GNP (Gross National Portliness)  These sirens on the freeways, these perpetual ringers of the dinner bell called America to supper and we came at a run, a run that ultimately slowed to a gasp-y waddle.

McDonald’s Original Stands

Back in the day, the golden arches curving majestically over the establishment represented french fries, and the cost per burger was 15 cents. Take two, they’re cheap! Historic side note: Where were you when JFK was shot? I think I have the most American of answers, I was five and sitting in the backseat of a Country Squire station wagon in a McDonald’s parking lot eating fries. A woman pounded on the car window, Margie (my mother’s friend) said: “Don’t open the window, she’s insane!” The woman shrieked: “Turn on your radio!” and ran away, arms waving wildly above her head. The MOST Catholic answer to Where were you when JFK was shot? belongs to my siblings who reported that a nun burst into the classroom with the alarming news that our only papist president was dead, everybody went to mass.

Barbeque advertising most commonly featured a pig. Often dressed as the chef (toque, apron, no pants), this pig cheerfully promoted the consumption of his fellow pigs and, bizarrely even sometimes himself. I once saw a sign where a smiling pig, fork clenched in his cloven hoof, was reaching around to nab a forkful of his own delicious ham. Alas I did not capture that cannibalistic image, but offer up instead, Stumpy Pete.

Indeed Stumpy Pete is enthusiastically proffering a ham upon a platter which, since he is standing on a peg leg in lieu of his pig leg, we can be confident was locally sourced. Appropriately, the text at the bottom of the sign reads: If you dig on swine, try some of mine!

But the real hero’s of the highway dining scene where the colossal fiberglass figures used to attract diners from the speedway.

The ubiquitous partially clad pig:

A scary 20 foot woman and her depressed child hawking pies:

A giant dog head promoting the Doggie Diner:

Fran, the guitar playing waitress from Austin:

And hometown hero, BIG BOY:

Nice hair.

Until next week!

CJ

Though my foreign language ability begins and ends with “Dos Equis, se il vous plaît!” I still snort at smash ups of English terms found on signs in far away places.

Speaking of accident porn and smash ups, check out this video. There is an especially tantalizing hindquarter waggle from a bus at :30…

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Alligators, long time masters of the ‘lying in wait,’ seem to have upped their game a bit with this clever Hiker and Biker trap:

Hope they like lean meat!

Perhaps this sign could be posted to warn at least the cyclists:

And finally in my undaunted search of the internet for signs, I came across these mysterious postings and have made a guess at their possible meanings:

Watch your ass-ets, former spouse is ahead:

FOX News, everything is alarming:

PAINTBALL!:
And, whatever you were thinking, DON’T: and this is why:

Have a safe holiday and don’t stuff yourself, except for you turkey lurky.

CJ

CREDITS:
Thanks Gin Gin, my partner in catastrophe, for the nefarious alligators and porn accident sign!

The people of Canada are a peaceful lot, but their critters seem downright thuggish.
Encounter a reindeer?

God help you.
This is not “On Donner, On Blitzen” this is a straight up Hooves of Fury/Antlers of Pain scenario.

Hit a moose?

May God –and your airbags– help you.
Please note that the car has a crumpled hood, a broken windshield and a flattened tire, but the moose, whose legs are as slender and shapely as a Rockette’s, is still standing and looks like he’s about to stick his giant moosey head in the passenger compartment and commence goring him some careless, texting driver.

In Canada, even the seemingly docile cows are using cliffs and their incredible body mass to satisfy their murderous lusts.

But what’s the warning here?

I’m in a car, he’s up in a tree,
I’m a person, he’s a possum…
It’s not like he and his whole family are in my
PICNIC BASKET!

In the Southern hemisphere, Australia also need to alert drivers to the potential for wildlife encounters on their byways.

Here they seem to have either a problem with scale or they have kangaroos and gophers that are bigger than camels. It could be either, it’s Australia.

CJ

I am champion faller. If there’s a moist leaf, or perhaps a really dark shadow on the sidewalk, chances are I will take a header over it. My most inglorious public tumble was off a curb, onto all fours, into the path of a bus.  I popped up in front of the 61C and declared myself: “Fine, I’m fine!” and waved my bloody palms at the bus driver. Since this was back in the day, way back, when I used to wear stockings, like a real girl, the hose were rent into tatters, tatters which my scabbing knees furiously knit into the fresh abrasions on the ride from the Northside to Downtown.   Standing on Smithfield Street waiting for my next bus (oh yes, those were the days) with remnants of my nylon flapping like Tibetan prayer flags, the blood from my skinned knees running in squiggly rivulets down my calves and into my shoes, I looked as though I had been attacked by a mountain lion on the streets of downtown Pittsburgh. Alarmed glances from passersby inspired me to hiss: “I FELL, okay? I fell!” Ahhh… good times, eh? Below is a homage to arabesques and pirouettes of the human form as it suddenly and violently succumbs to the will of our maleficent and ever present overlord, Gravity.
          Of the above, the font used for the text Hazardous Terrain wins the prize for carrying the theme of crumbling earth. Floors are Slippery wins for Most Relaxed Person experiencing a calamity and Footing can be Dangerous wins for least hope of survival since that person is  apparently heading arse first over a cliff.

And finally a warning for the foppish! Being a Dandy can Dangerous.

AND DON’T FORGET TO:

Thank you to whoever yarn bombed* the telephone poles in my neighborhood! Lovely, and it has definitely inspired me to cast a ballot.

*Yarn bombing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yarn_bombing

Credits
Thanks Karen for the No Climbing sign, Bill for the Watch Your Step (though maybe it should say Watch Our Steps,  since they look slippy and sharp to me), and Gil for Check for Loose Clothing.

CJ

The naturally occurring absurdity of the warning sign delights me. I imagine a beleaguered graphic artist hunched over their keyboard, their pursed lipped boss looming in the background, as the  morning pot of coffee burns away, rendering itself down into a thick, hot, burping La Brea-style tar mucilaginous enough to ensnare a wooly Mammouth.
The boss offering helpful guidance such as:
“Less graphic-y, more graphic”
and then “Oh my goodness, NO ENTRAILS!”
But these three images are an homage to the wags, sharpie in hand, who were compelled to add their own artist touches.

What image the parachuting cows is hiding in the Give Way sign I can only imagine. Chickens on roller skates? Bike riding pigs? Tourists on Segways?

Below are two conflicting directions on public restroom manners. One is it from England (note the word Nappies) and the other is from America’s heartland, Salt Lake City, Utah. England’s admonishment shows a lack of confidence in their plumbing while America says Bring it on! ’cause, what the hell, we don’t want to pick any crap up off the floor.

And finally… China needs a more sensitive Thesaurus:

Thanks to Karen for her very moving sign (sniff), Ginnie, the most intrepid Reddit sign harvester ever (cow, the loo & shower), and Larry and Priscilla for the mermaid crossing sign in Nantucket. As for the American restroom sign, my sister Nan-took-it!

Laters,

CJ

Tens things you can’t do on a beach in Slovenia:
No Soccer, No Swimming, No Biking, No Fishing, No Music
No Drinking, No Dogs, No Fires,
No…
Acting Saucy?
and finally No  Smooching!
This leaves sitting quietly on a blanket eating noble crayfish, a delicacy in Slovenia. NOTE: “noble” is part of the critter’s actual name; it is not a proclamation of a virtuous character (They are pincher wielding savages!), but a reference to their ‘blue-blood.”

Also from Balkans, this curious sign banning (or encouraging?) pole dancing on buses:

And for something completely different, not a warning but a NYAH, NYAH DA BOO BOO from an unrepentant cat burglar:

Thank you Charlie for the signs from the Balkans! The taunting cat thief sign showed up on my Facebook feed as something liked by my friend Doug R.

Thanks for reading!

CJ

The Paris Walking guy not only has a bit of debonair flair with his partially swinging arm and actual feet, he is also only ONE row of lights thick. Compare his slim physique to the Walking  guy in Pittsburgh.

Paris Walking Man=Fred Astaire
Paris of the Appalachians Walking Man=Big Foot

And what tourist in Paris has not seen the posture below, the “I’m-waiting, but-I’m-not-over joie-about-it” as the exasperated Parisian stands by while you contemplate your croissant selection?

This moderately cranky looking Don’t Walk guy would give me pause before I charged out into traffic, but to keep me safely on the sidewalk I prefer Lisbon’s Don’t Walk –DANCE!

And finally, here’s another sign with a distinct regional flavor…the the Minuteman Commuter bike trail sign in Boston:

Revere’s mount suggest the British yet another option for attack:
“One if by land, two if by sea, three if by Huffy…?”

CREDITS:
I took all the Walk/Don’t Walk shots (who else would care about this?). The Don’t Walk DANCE Video showed up on my Facebook feed as something liked by Guy E.

And our man in Boston, Charlie, captured the “Paul Revere’s Ride” sign and a splash of autumnal color.

See you on down the road, folks!

CJ

Generally, the ‘Red Circle and Bar’  means that there are consequences, legal consequences for flaunting the depicted prohibition.  So I wondered what punishment would be meted out for donning this especially saucy stiletto and tromping through the woods in Sochi, Russia? Is there a special crimes against podiatry atoll among the Gulag Archipelago? A place where people in flip flops, exercise sandal inventor Dr. Scholl and anyone who ever wore platform disco boots are incarcerated and left to contemplate their rotten soles?

And this, from further along the same Sochi Trail, which, apparently regardless of footwear, is not a walk in the park and random, commas are… EXCITING!

AND in Budapest, this odd sign…

First thought was “No Pedophile Zone” but on closer examination, it seems the red bar was added by some wag to a sign announcing a pedestrian walkway for men in derbies and their squatty spawn.

CJ

Thank you Nano for the Russian and Buda Pesh signs!

To All you Cold Cereal Slingers: You will be forgotten before the Cheerios get soggy.
Remembering/honoring/appreciating US service men and women is always, always the right thing to do, but must Days Inn simultaneously hawk their truly awful breakfast offering? Of course, there are none so brave as those who eat those scrambled eggs and then go for a long car ride.   The enemy is not at our gate, but in our gut.

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I believe I interviewed here… Sadly, I didn’t get the job. They said I lacked the proper enthusiasm. Harumph, I’m a star baby!

Next time, I’m definitely wearing a shirt.

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And finally,

When promoting prostitution as an apt punishment for shoplifiting, please consider this list compiled by the National Retail Foundation of the most shoplifted-items in the US*:
chewing gum, Advil, the weight-loss drug Alli, Claritin, Rogaine, Red Bull energy drinks, Dyson vacuums, Cover Girl cosmetics, Crest Whitestrips, and deodorant.

I think this list gives us a picture of the common shoplifter as a gum chewing, headachy, chubby, sneezy, balding, listless, fuzzy, pasty, yellow-toothed, stinker. HUBBA HUBBA!

CJ

*In the UK there were only two ‘most’ boosted items: Face Cream and Perfume… Is this indicative of a culture difference in enterprise or in vanity?

CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE:
I lifted the Days Inn and Burger King images from something the showed up on my Facebook feed, originally posted by Kurt A (don’t know him) but liked by my friend Rick L.

The Shoplifting sign that advocates Swing Swing over Sing Sing was sent by Gin Gin.

In Czech Republic, rather than leaving it at the simple “DON’T DO THIS” red bar, these sign makers created a little storyboard depicting the consequence of weeing on their property. Not a fine, not an arrest, but the potential for world-wide shaming. Of course if I had created the image of this relaxed fellow, arms on hips, who has seemingly sprung a leak (where’s that Dutch kid when ya need him?), I would have found a way to use it at least three times as well.

Speaking of consequences… Your money AND your life. I guess they just wait until you stop smoldering and then check your wallet for the 20 pounds. Though the big question is, a question that must have also plagued Pandora, why does this box open?

And finally…

BAD DOG! BAD-SKATEBOARDING-DRINKING-SMOKING  DOG!

Thanks Ginnie (my most profilic procurer of wackiness)

And LAURIE, who found the Bad Dog sign.

CJ