Calamity Jane

This image is from Pittsburgh’s new TechShop “a community-based workshop and prototyping studio on a mission to democratize access to the tools of innovation.” Apparently, innovation isn’t for sissies.

This picture is a bold reminder of why I don’t do stuff like this. I have to applaud the convenient placement of the emergency STOP button, perfect for banging your forehead against as you cry: “Why? Why did I think I could make my own Comic Con vacuum-formed superhero chest piece?” 

This sign (Iceland) is both a lure and warning. For me the temptation to traverse the slippery rocks to get a better look at this sign would be overwhelming. “What is that? (scramble, scramble, slide on my bum) Is that a guy fall–uh oh.”

And finally, the sign below is blatantly egging you on to abandon common sense. Sign makers please note: Children under three, and people who gun it as they approach opening drawbridges, don’t really ‘get’ sarcasm.

Thanks to Katah for the water hazard shot, and to Charlie, first, for sending me the Iceland image, and secondly for having enough commonsense to take a long shot, and to Ginnie, who found the drawbridge image on Reddit, and, though I doubt its authenticity: HA!

CJ

One of things that has delighted me about the caution signs to date has been the seemingly unintentional hilarity. But, in these two samples, the sign maker is ‘in’ on the joke and they still delight.

In the one above they are advising you on how to keep your head intact while the one below…

Well, perhaps they are providing the same sage advice.

I get why the manufacturers felt English and French speakers were most in need of this warning. The Germans and Swiss are careful by nature, the Italians and Spanish tend not to be so hasty, but what about the Russians? (“He’s Russian.”  “Oh yeah? What’s the hurry?”)

In the next two samples, the signs were modified in post production by some clever wags. Below, a street sign in Paris makes a statement about the burden and puzzlement of life by modifications to a Do Not Enter sign…heavy, man.

And here, added text in red sharpie expresses that management has empowered workers to apply the lash to themselves.

Thank you Ginnie for the Helicopter sign, which I suspect came from some super secret military location. And also for the ‘Slap Ass for Motivation’ sign, locale unknown.

Thank you Gilby, who found the Zipper label on Reddit, where once an image he posted claimed the top spot on the proclaimed ‘Front Page of the Internet.’ Meaning that he was, for a nanosec, the King of the World-Wide Web, and I, by parental rights, reigned benevolently (pretty much) as the Queen Mum.

The street sign in Paris I shot myself.

CJ

From the beach in Thailand, the sign above advises that once you have achieved 3rd degree burns, it’s perhaps time to consider an indoor activity, at least until nightfall. I like that they felt compelled to include the universal male and female restroom figures, fully clothed, so that we would know this admonishment is directed at us humanoids… of both sexes.

I don’t think they could be more clear: This machine will cut your children’s feet off. It mows down children AND cuts grass!

And finally this entry from the Homemade category: No words needed, they clearly want you to catch those billiard balls of poop that are shooting out of the back of your dog, preferably before they hit the ground. I say: What’s the rush? It’s not a game of Tetris, no harm in letting that material land and cool a bit before engagement. Certainly, you don’t need to kneel there with bated breath, like you’re delivering triplets. Better to stand discreetly a few feet away examining cloud formations or your cuticles as though you are not tethered by a strip of leather to a pooping dog.

Thanks Gin for the sunburn caution sign and the device that mows down children.

Thanks Charlie for capturing the homemade “pick up after your dog, you chowderhead” sign in Boston.

CJ

Found this posted on a park entry station in Florida. It’s a permanent and, to me, terrifying sign.

Back in the day, before “Jaws” and way before “Sharknado,” the only thing we had to fear was fear its– NO it was the MAN ‘O WAR!

When I was kid the Man ‘o War was one of the many parental tales of terror (see “runningwithapopsiclestickinyourmouth/piercedbraincavity/gwaaaakd’uh” and nosleddingwithlongscarves/isadoraduncan/erAWkkk) that were recited with ghoulish gusto to scare you into compliance with all parental requests. This long tentacled creature with venomous stings was a silent but deadly floating predator. One whipping sting and you (completely paralyzed) would sink to the bottom of the sea, drowned and then, hopefully, one day wash up on shore as a tiny skeleton in a speedo, flippers and goggles. Staying close to shore and within in sight of Mom and Auntie, both sun drunk and dozing in webbed chairs, was advisable.

Today, thanks to Wikipedia, I learned that the sting of the Man ‘o War hurts like a son of a gun for up to TWO hours and that death is rare to the point of pretty much never.

However, I did find this terrifying image of the Baby ‘o War, which is especially scary because it seems to be in a house and on the move.

CJ

Ireland…where else would you need to caution people to not go charging into the water that’s as cold as it can be and still be a liquid?

I shot this in the Wicklow Mountains and, if you look closely, you’ll see that Carl Kilkenny and his keys were also there at some point. The “Look Ma, no hands” is a mystery, but the image seems to have been inspired by a mashup of Hans Brinker and Jesus on the roiling sea of Galilee.

Speaking of inspiration…

Caution: Drum Major When Wet.

PS: Thank you Maggie for the sending the fellow with the jaunty step from your trip to Vancouver!

CJ

This graphic appears inside a car trunk (glow in the dark ink, hopefully) and provides guidance on how to pop the trunk from inside the trunk. The artist further makes the assumption that something nefarious has occurred and advises a leaping escape and followed by a dash away. Apparently, if you’re dumb enough to end up in a trunk you might also loiter around once you’ve made your escape unless otherwise encouraged to flee. This artist leaves nothing to chance.

Whereas, the sign below with the staid bison silhouette juxtaposed with the statement WILD BUFFALO RUT IN THIS AREA, leaves a lot to the imagination. I suspect this was not the first draft, but something that was ultimately agreed upon after several harrowing iterations graphically depicting the havoc of rutting Buffalo. This sign, if you don’t read English, could be an advertisement for a petting zoo.

NOTE: Thanks to Charlie for climbing in the trunk of his friend’s car to shoot the first image and to Maggie, who snapped the Buffalo sign in Edinburgh, Scotland, were apparently the Buffalo roam and romance at will.

CJ

Translation:  Warning crushing hazard.

I admit this one from Norway is a little gruesome…

Perhaps, they should consider the speed at which their elevators descend…

My husband is cursed with a acute sense of smell, so often his comment upon seeing some horror, the black hole of Calcutta, stockyards in July, a daycare full of babies, and now someone crushed by their own garbage can: “I bet that smells.”

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The mysterious sign below is from Sweden, which Google translated as: “Cows Slowly Rotating seniors.” I may have missed putting in a few umlats here and there. My friend, who lives in Sweden, set me straight with a translation of “Drive Slowly –Retirees at play.” Though one wonders at what they are playing…

And finally, also from Sweden:

Translation: Laziness is not a disability.

Boo-YAH! Swedes keepin’ it real.

I don’t agree; laziness is a terrible disability, which is so often exacerbated by a total lack of ambition to overcome it.